How easy it must be for normal people to be able to gather their thoughts.

For me?

I love (have) to make lists, or else it’s an endless succession of faceless mouths screaming every instruction I ever got.

Without even taking a breath

or letting me breathe for that matter.

it gets really noisy when I’m left alone with my thoughts and the worst thing – 99% of the time it’s my own voice on repeat with only me, myself and I alone on the dancefloor, stuck under a breathtaking chandelier, forever waiting for last call.

I like to make myself believe the lists help, when everything is black on white it tends to make more sense…

But that’s the thing isn’t it?

Things are never just black and white, most of the time you’ll find it’s kinda grey, and dark blue, maybe red and if you’re really confused it will most likely end up being rainbow colors.

Feeling it get quieter and quiter as the words flow from my head out my pen and onto the blank canvas. The deafening white noise slowly losing it’s effect.

I envy people who are able to organize their minds.

But I guess that’s life…

Ek vang myself gereeld dink aan

wat kon wees

ek

jy

ons

Nee, dis nie ‘n liefdes brief, meer soos ‘n smeek gedig. Ek wens jy was nog hier.

Ek sou jou vra oor jou dag

seker maak jy het iets om oor te glimlag

Ek sou graag jou trane afvee

langs jou loop, elke tree

Ek sou saam jou teen jou demone veg

ek sou jou asem met ‘n soen steel, maar dis reeds weg.

Jy los ‘n leemte binne my

ek wens jy het nie nodig gehad om te baklei

Net nog een keer sou ek

jou

wou

vashou

Jy het jou merk in my lewe gelos, en ‘n plek in my hart oorgeneem.

Ek is bly jy is gelukkig nou, maar wat het dit gekos.

Ons tyd was kort, ek wil nog met jou praat elke dag.

Die verlange en hartseer loop diep

maar

ek hoop jy rus sag.

Vasgevang

vrywillig ‘n kluisenaar in die diepte van jou oseaan oe

wat het ek gedoen om dit te verdien

Verdrink

elke sekonde, minuut, oomblikke van geluk as jy vir my kyk

ek kan niks anders om my sien

Onbekend

die effek wat net jou staar op my het

nog nooit wou ek so graag iets he

Onbeskryfbaar

mooi, asemrowend, uniek, meer woorde as sand in die see

jou oseaan oe, daar is niks meer om te se

A love letter to

basically everyone in my life.

I make more money these days,

girl I took out for only a romantic view and didn’t buy dinner and flowers,

do you love me now?

I changed my hair,

person in the fifth grade saying my hair was a fugly colour,

do you love me now?

I’ve lost weight,

all the previous lovers who couldn’t commit because I’m not model pretty,

do you love me now?

I keep changing for those around me,

me, myself, and I – do you love me now?

Do you think you will ever be able to?

I feel messed up. Like something is wrong inside my head. But i guess that’s how many people feel sometimes, and the fact is I am nothing special.. it is very tiring being a human though.. having all these emotions to deal with, and then being a female human – have even more emotions to deal with. Being sad, happy, angry and experiencing all of those emotions within a few minutes….it can be real tiring.. and then there is the fact that everyone is ugly when they cry, but crying is also necessary.. and then you just feel exhausted afterwards.recently, and I’m saying recently in a very sarcastic way, but recently I have been feeling sad, and angry.. angry and sad but like the whole time. And yeah I may be smiling on the outside but the fact is inside….inside my shoe my sock is falling off. Okay no jokes, on the inside I am drowning. Drowning in a kiddies pool of a combined emotion of sadness and anger. Angress? Sadner? Whatever the case may be, it sucks. And I have tried getting rid of it but that is easier said than done. The worst part is I don’t even have anything specific or significant in my life to blame it on. You know like those classic drama movies where something really tragic happen so you know why the main actor is feeling the way they are.. Unfortunately in the movie of my life I’m not even the main character, and there is no main climax. Just a bunch of insignificant events that led me to sitting in the dark on a Saturday night typing all this down because another feeling is the fact that if I don’t get rid of all these thoughts in my brain I might just legitimately go crazy one day, and none of us want that. Getting back to the feelings. Yeah there are some moments where I don’t completely feel that I either want to die or punch through a wall, but they are oh so rare.. the days that are good are like really good, I can’t complain… but more than nothing I think it’s more about seeking attention. Not that I don’t get enough of that, I just think I don’t get it from the right people. That’s the second thing bothering me at the moment. Along with feelings tiring you out as a human you have thoughts. And I seem to have more than I need or more than I can handle. I constantly think about what others think about me and how I can win them over. I think about if they like me, and if they don’t and why. Whats wrong with me? Is it that thing I did in the 8th grade? Is it the way I look? The way I talk? How can there be so many voices in my head and how can I quiet them. Sometimes they scream louder than my senses can take. Yes I am drowning, but I just wish I could drown the voices. They make my head hurt.

I’ll be okay though, I have to believe that, otherwise I will actually go crazy. I don’t know when or how but I’ll be okay… because I guess that’s life

I was looking forward to Friday night for the whole week – like any normal person would. Especially this week, what a hell of a time. You see I am a teacher, having six classes of roughly 26 children under the age of 7 isn’t a joke, not sure what I was thinking when I decided on this but oh well. So here we are, Friday night, going out with my friends and just blowing off some steam. Started slow with a bottle of vodka and couple of Kamakzi shots I mean why not? Finally it was time to move along to the next place. Have you ever had Four Loko? I wanna say try it, but rather not. For me it’s kind of like an eraser because I don’t remember much after downing a couple of glasses… Maybe I should’ve not downed but rather drink like a classy lady? Meh, too late now. Add some cheap tequila shots and I was dancing like no one was looking, shaking my booty as if there would be no tomorrow. (I can’t believe I just said booty) Unfortunately all good things must come to an end, and all alcohol consumed must be thrown up. Last night marks the fourth time I have had to escape being possibly raped since moving here.. Sadly I don’t remember how it ended up like that, one moment I was dancing and the next I was making out with a random guy. The main problem with this being I am an out and proud lesbian, but let’s not get into that subject now. Finally being able to push him away I went to fetch my coat and go home, so over the night. And who decides to follow me? You guessed it – the guy. I don’t even know his name. Anyhow, he didn’t let me out of his sights or grip until we reached outside. Nope that’s wrong, outside he pushed me against the wall and stuck his hand down my pants. What’s a drunk girl to do? On the one hand I’m trying to push him away and on the other hand I was trying to order a taxi. Very few things scarier than a man whispering ”I am going to fuck you…I want to fuck you” while not letting you go and touching you where he ought not to be touching. I wanted to die in that moment. Luckily some people walked passed and I was able to push him off me. One taxi and one horrible hangover later and all I’m left with is emotional scars, what fun.

But I guess that is life..

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton